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Buzzcut: You not only fail this assignment, you fail more miserably than any student I have the misfortune to teach.
Workman #1: Looks like we found the sewage leak. Workman #2: Aw, man. And I just showered the day before yesterday.
Beavis: Yes, yes, fire, fire, fire!
[Watching a bad video.] Butt-head: Stop in the name of all which does not suck.
Butt-head: This sucks more than anything that has ever sucked before.
Butt-head: When you walk the walk, you like, gotta talk too.
Agent Bork: Chief! Ya know that guy whose camper they were whackin' off in? Agent Fleming: Bork, you're a federal agent! You represent the United States Government! Never end a sentence with a preposition. Agent Bork: Oh, uh... Ya know that guy in whose camper they... I... I mean, that guy off in whose camper they were whacking?
President Clinton: Beavis and Butt-head, on behalf of your fellow Americans I extend my deepest thanks. You exemplify a fine new crop of young Americans who will grow into the leaders of this great country. Butt-head: Huh huh huh, he said extend! Beavis: Oh, yeah!
[After apprehending Butt-head.] Agent Fleming: Agent Hurley, I want you to give this scumbag a cavity search! I'm talking Roto-Rooter! Don't stop until you reach the back of his teeth!
Hoover Dam Guide: Now, are there any dam questions? Beavis: Yeah. Is this a God damn?
[Dallas Grimmes mistakes Beavis and Butt-head for hit men who are hunting her.] Dallas Grimmes: 10 grand! I'll double it if you go back and do him. Butt-head: You want us to do a guy? No way! Beavis: I don't know, Butt-head. It is a lot of money! Maybe we can close our eyes and pretend he's a pretty good chick.
[Walking down hallway of the White House, stops at picture of Nixon and stares at it.] Beavis: Are you threatening ME?!!
Tom Anderson: Boy, I never seen so much whackin'.
Beavis: I am the great Cornholio. I need T.P. for my bunghole.
Beavis: I poop too much. Little Old Lady: You might be lactose intolerant. Beavis: No, I poop too much.
Beavis: Why does everybody want to see my schlong?
[After the T.V. has been stolen] Butt-head: This sucks more than anything that's ever sucked before.
Old Woman on Bus: I'm hoping to score big myself. I'll mostly be doing the slots. Beavis: Yeah, yeah. I'm hoping to do some sluts too.
[After a cavity search by a female FBI agent] Butt-head: Did I just score?
Ice T: And the winner of playa-hater of the year is... Silky John-ston.
[applause]
Buck Nasty: Kiss my ass, kiss my ass, I'm the biggest hater.
Friend #1: Where is he?
Friend #2: Oh, he'll be here. In 3, 2, 1...
Tyrone Biggums: [Races inside room] Is this the 5:00 Free Crack Giveaway?
Clayton Bigsby: Then Jasper said 'look here n***er, if anyone's gonna have sex with my sister, its gonna be ME.
Tron: Hey, it's white boy, OK, who ordered the pizza. Hey white boy find the square root of this room.
[Ask a Gay Dude segment]
Random person on street: Yo, is performin' on a man better than performin' on a woman?
Mario Cantone: Pfff, how would I know? Next question.
Tyrone Biggums: Remember what the Bible says: He who is without sin, cast the first rock. And I shall smoketh it.
[from the "Ask A Gay Dude" segment]
Mario Cantone: I'll put a band-aid on your face and make you my Nelly.
Phaze 2: Yo, go in there and get me a Philly blunt son.
Tron: And a banana Cognac, beatch.
Tyrone Biggums: Why do you think I carjacked you, Rhonda?
Rhonda: 'Cause the cops found you asleep in it.
Tyrone Biggums: That's impossible, Rhonda. How can you sleep when you're high on crack? Chinese riddle for you.
[speaking to elementary school class]
Tyrone Biggums: Drugs is all around you kids. Look at that magic marker cap. What the hell you think that is, some kind of crayon? Take it off and sniff it and get high.
Tyrone Biggums: ...and that, kids, was the first time I sucked a (bleep) for crack.
Dave: Knock-knock...
Audience: Who's there?
Dave: Some skits, biotch.
[Clayton Bigsby's truck pulls up next to a group of white kids listening to rap]
Bigsby: Turn that music down, you god damn niggers. Turn it down. White power.
White Kid: Dude, did he just call us niggers? AWESOME.
Chad: Be careful if you ever get a sleeper hold. The next day your anus will really hurt.
Tron: Night. Night. Keep yo butthole tight.
Tyrone Biggums: You wanna know what dog food tastes like? Do you? It tastes just like it smells... delicious.
Tyrone Biggums: [hands full of money] Look out, crack, here I come!
Rick James: Now, Darkness, the tables are turned.
Rick James: Do with him whatever you like.
Charlie Murphy: Motherfuckers take one more step, I'm kicking this nigga out the motherfucking window.
Rick James: Cubbie, freeze!
Charlie Murphy: You know you was wrong for what you did to me earlier. Look what you did to my face!
[Soft piano music playing... ]
Rick James: I'm sorry, Charlie Murphy, it was an accident. I was having too much fun. I offer you a truce. The stickiest of the icky. You want to smoke with the old boy Rick James?
Charlie Murphy: Yo, man, my forehead is bumpin', man.
Rick James: Now that you mention it, I think I'm bleeding inside my chest. But I got the medicine.
Rick James: Bitch... Come over here and have sex with Charlie Murphy.
Rick James: I'm Rick James, bitch. Enjoy yourself.
[Rick claps twice]
Dave Chappelle: I'm Dave Chappelle, and I like internet porn.
White Guy: Can you please stop yelling at me?
Sam Jackson: I CAN'T STOP YELLIN' CAUSE THAT'S HOW I TALK. EVER SEEN MY MOVIES? JUICE! THAT WAS A GOOD ONE! DEEP BLUE SEA! THEY ATE ME! A FUCKING SHARK ATE ME! JURASSIC PARK!
[breaking news report following the distribution of slavery reparations]
News Reporter: So, what do you plan to spend your money on.
Tron: [In fake, quivering voice] I'm going to re-invest it in the community.
News Reporter: Well, that's...
[cut off]
Tron: Psyche. I'm gonna spend it before y'all honkies change yo minds.
Samuel Jackson: YEAH! THEY DESERVE TO DIE! AND I HOPE THEY BURN IN HELL!
[one white man has been forced to live with five crazy black people]
Chad: Tyree, you stabbed my dad! And you had sex with Katie.
Tyree: Hey man, you got that all wrong. I ain't had sex with Katie. Lysol had sex with Katie. I just filmed it.
Katie: No, Tyree, you had sex with me too.
Tyree: Correction: I had sex with Katie.
Chad: Hi, I'm Chad, your new roommate.
Tyree: Well, looky here, "Chad." For the entire period you in my room, I better not catch you standing up peeing. You sit down when you pee, you got that? Now get your fat ass on outta here.
[talking about Samuel Jackson beer]
Samuel Jackson: SAMUEL JACKSON! IT'LL GET YOU DRUNK! YOU'LL BE FUCKIN' FAT GIRLS IN NO TIME! YOU MIGHT EVEN FIGHT A NIGGA OR TWO!
Rick James: Could you imagine two grown men doing this? Cocaine's a hell of a drug.
Rick James: I'm one of the baddest motherfuckers of all time, one of the best singers and one of the best looking motherfuckers you've ever seen. Hold my drink, bitch.
Tiger Woods: So long fried rice, hello fried chicken. I love you Dad!
Tiger Woods: I always wanted to say this... fa-shizzle.
[grinding his muddy boots into Eddie Murphy's new couch]
Rick James: Fuck yo couch, nigga! Fuck yo couch!
[after two women had showed him their breasts]
Rick James: I wish I had more hands, so I could give those titties four thumbs down!
Rick James: See, I never just did things just to do them. Come on, what am I gonna do? Just all of a sudden jump up and grind my feet on somebody's couch like it's something to do? Come on. I got a little more sense then that.
[pause]
Rick James: Yeah, I remember grinding my feet on Eddie's couch.
Charlie Murphy: My brother, he's a lot more compassionate than I am, you know. We were looking at Rick getting in the limo, and as it drove off, Eddie says, "Man... Rick really needs help". I was like, "Hey man, we just gave him some help. We busted his motha fuckin' legs. I bet he won't come back and disrespect again." WRONG, WRONG... We're talkin' bout Rick James, man.
Charlie Murphy: The first thing I seen is O.J. Simpson, and I remember thinking to myself 'wow, that's O.J. Simpson, he has a big fucking head, man'
Charlie Murphy: Things like escalated to the point where, you know, my man got too familiar and I ended up having to whip his ass man, you know, cause you know, he would step across the line. Habitually. He's a habitual line stepper.
Rick James: Bitches! Come over here and show Charlie Murphy yo titties!
[women lift up their shirts]
Rick James: The milk's gone bad!
[Paul Mooney predicts the future as "Negrodamus"]
Man: Negrodamus, will Arsenio Hall ever have a show again?
Negrodamus: Yes. Arsenio Hall will have a new show called "Good Morning, Black America." It will be played at noon throughout the country.
Rick James: Charlie! There's a new joke goin' around - have you heard it? What did the five fingers say to the face?
Charlie Murphy: [doesn't understand] What?
Rick James: SLAP!
[He slaps Charlie]
[singing]
Tron: There are! I say there are so many amendments in the constitution of the United States of Americaaaa! I can only choose one! I can only choose ooooooone! I plead the fif! I plead the fif! FIVE! 1,2,3,4, fiiiif! Anything you say! FIIIF! Go ahead and ask me a question!
Man: How do...
Tron: Fif! I like to show all of you a secret document!
[pulls out a piece of paper saying "FiF"]
Tron: Fiiiiiiiiiiiiif!
[After Rick James has slapped him for no particular reason]
Charlie Murphy: I'm standing there I'm thinking, "This nigga really has lost his fucking mind." First of all, you don't slap a man. Ok. I mean, even when slapping was fashionable, ya know, they did it in Paris, some guy would come up, "I challenge you to a duel." They would have a gunfight after that, somebody had to go!
[at the Player Haters Ball]
Silky Johnston: I'm very upset about what you said about my coat. I made it outta your mother's pubic hair.
[announcing the nominees for "Player Hater of the Year"]
Ice T: The nominees are... Buck Nasty. Buck Nasty is nominated for getting his best friend's girlfriend pregnant, then tricking his best friend into raising the little motherfucker. The next nominee is... Pit Bull. Pit Bull is nominated for calling the cops on his drug-dealing neighbors, not because it was the right thing to do, but just 'cause he was jealous of all the money they was makin'. And the final nominee is... Silky Johnston. Silky Johnston is nominated for calling in a bomb threat at the Special Olympics.
[at a meeting with police after turning self in]
Police Commisioner: Now, you are a cocaine dealer, but you've done a lot of good for the community.
Tron: I know. When it's Thanksgiving, I be passin' around turkeys like Neno Brown, baby!
Police Commisioner: Of course!
Tron: [dignified] But may I ask you gentleman, when I'm acquitted, can I continue to channel rocks throughout my community?
Police Commsioner: [holding up tape recorder, non-sincerely] Ab-sol-ute-ly not!
[winks]
Tron: [sarcastically] Oh yeah, sellin' rocks would be bad.
[playing at the World Series of Dice]
Leonard Washington: My name's Leonard Washington. Where I'm from? A little town called None Of Your Goddamn Business. Let's play some dice, bitches.
Thug: [screaming] Alright, nigga! Get butt naked right now!
Leonard Washington: [calm] First of all, I think y'better watch your tone son. I'm Leonard Washington. I don't get butt naked for nobody.
[holds up wad of money]
Leonard Washington: You want this roll, nigga? You gonna have to shoot me for it.
Thug: OK
[shoots him in the knee, takes the money]
Leonard Washington: GOD DAMN, NIGGA! WHAT THE HELL WRONG WITH YOU!
Vernon: THUG LIFE! You think this a game, nigga! Arf! Arf! WU-TANG!
[as he's leaving]
Grits 'n Gravy: When I leave, close together like butt cheeks.
[in "Trading Spouses," Leonard Washington lives with a white family]
[rap music is blaring]
Leonard: Hey! What the hell you listening to?
White Kid: It's the new 50 Cent. Man, I'm from the streets! G-G-G G-G-G G-Unit!
Leonard: Come on... get in the car. G-G-G G-G-G Get your ass in the car!
Charlie Murphy: Well, I gotta admit... Um... It was a good game.
Prince: I wish I could say the same for you and your crew of flunkies. You guys want some grapes?... Bitches.
Duckman: Last one in the car mops up the vomit.
Duckman: Did I ever tell you my Dad's last words to me? Cornfed: "Careful, son, I don't think the safety is on." Duckman: Before that!
Duckman: I can't believe they shared their girlfriends with us, Corny! I just spent the night with the sexiest, most insatiable, voluptuous, adventurous, least-inhibited woman I've ever met! If she didn't suddenly get a headache... woo hoo! there's no telling what wild and tawdry escapades we might have experienced. How was your night? Cornfed: Like yours... minus the headache.
Prof. Provenheim: I am here to introduce you to the greatest advance in civilization in this century. Ajax: CONDOMS! They held a vote at school.
King Chicken: The students, professors, all animatrons. Robots. Duckman: Even Deanna, that lovely coed? King Chicken: Nope! I've never been able to make breasts. She's a muppet. Duckman: Ohh! To be Frank Oz for a day!
Ajax: Once bread becomes toast, it can never go back.
Ajax: If they made tugboats bigger, they could be the boats other boats tug.
Cornfed: Once again, the U.S. is spending millions to oust a puppet they spent millions to get into office. They'll spend more millions on the coverup to hide having spent those millions and even more millions to discredit members of the media who report otherwise. It's a good thing they print their own money.
Duckman: If words were cherry stems, my tongue would be in Sherilyn Fenn's mouth!
Duckman: She's a bigger ripoff than those talk-to-a-nympho-in-prison hotlines that double charge you on your phone bill when they know you can't do a thing about it 'cause you can't tell anyone you called them in the first place... so I heard.
Mambo: I'm tempted to die to I can get a head start on spinning in my grave.
Frank Barone: I tried "nice" once. Didn't care for it. Marie Barone: Is that what happened to "smart"?
Ray Barone: Men don't like to cuddle. We only like it if it leads to... you know... lower cuddling.
Marie Barone: These breadsticks are old. Frank Barone: Well, you are what you eat! Marie Barone: Bobby, give your father his helping of Miserable Bastard.
[Raymond and Debra are planning their wedding in a flashback] Ray Barone: You're already planning the wedding? Debra Barone: I've been planning it since I was 12. Ray Barone: But you didn't meet me until you were 22. Debra Barone: Well, you're the last piece of the puzzle.
Debra Barone: I never thought I'd miss our little apartment. Raymond: C'mon, that apartment was tiny and cramped and noisy. Debra Barone: Yeah, your parents would only visit once every other month. Raymond: I loved that place. Debra Barone: Yeah, I know.
Marie Barone: One day you'll turn around, and I'll be gone! Ray Barone: [Spins completely around] Not today!
Debra Barone: It's not about winning and losing. Ray Barone: You know who says that? The loser.
Marie Barone: I don't lose things, Frank. I'm organized. Frank Barone: Not organized, insane! She's got a shoebox labeled "pieces of string too small to use."
Robert Barone: I could have been a pretty good hockey player. I was big, I had the toughness, good hand-eye coordination. Ray Barone: Yeah, but eventually you would've had to let go of the side.
Ray Barone: She had that look like Mom did when we were kids and she caught us eating that whole box of Sucrets, remember? Robert Barone: Yeah, my tongue was numb for a month. Ray Barone: Remember, Mom thought we were drug addicts. She said, "That's how it starts."
Ray Barone: All right Ally, you have to do what Mommy says. Ally Barone: Why? Ray Barone: `Cause I do.
[Basil finds someone going through the food in the kitchen.] Basil Fawlty: Sybil, may I introduce the gentleman who's just opened the self-service department here. Mr...? Mr. Carnegie: Carnegie. Basil Fawlty: Mr. Carnegie, the scavenger gourmet from...? Mr. Carnegie: The Public Health department.
[Manuel wants to keep his pet rat.] Manuel: Mrs. Fawlty, please understand. If he go, I go! Basil Fawlty: Well, goodbye!
[Sybil suggests a way to get rid of Manuel's rat.] Sybil Fawlty: Perhaps it would be simplest to have him put to s-l-e-e-p. Basil Fawlty: Who? Him or the rat? I could get a discount if we get them both done.
[Two guests are speaking to Basil in German.] Basil: Oh, German. I'm sorry, I thought there was something wrong with you.
Basil: Polly, what's that smell? Polly: Flowers, I just got them from the garden. Basil: Well, what are you stinking the place up with those for? What's happened to the plastic ones? Polly: Being ironed.
Mr. Hutchinson: How do you do? Polly Sherman: How do you do? Mr. Hutchinson: Wait a minute, we've met before I think. Polly Sherman: Yes, I served you at breakfast. Mr. Hutchinson: Oh yes, and you spilled the grapefruit juice didn't you, you naughty girl? Polly Sherman: And you moved the glass, didn't you?
Mr. Hutchinson: There is a documentary on BBC2 this evening about "Squawking Bird", the leader of the Blackfoot Indians in the 1860s. Now this starts at 8:45 and goes on for approximately three-quarters of an hour. Basil Fawlty: I'm sorry are you talking to me? Mr. Hutchinson: Indeed I am. Yes, now, is it possible for me to reserve the BBC2 channel for the duration of this televisual feast? Basil Fawlty: Why don't you talk properly?
Mr. Carnegie: Lack of proper cleaning routines, dirty and greasy filters, greasy and encrusted deep fat fryer, dirty, cracked and stained food preparation surfaces, dirty, cracked and missing wall and floor tiles, dirty, marked and stained utensils, dirty and greasy interior surfaces of the ventilator hood, ... Basil: About the fat fryer... Mr. Carnegie: ...inadequate temperature control and storage of dangerous foodstuffs, storage of cooked and raw meat in same trays, storage of raw meat above confectionery with consequent dripping of meat juices onto cream products, refrigerator seals loose and cracked, ice box undefrosted, and refrigerator overstocked... Basil: Say no more. Mr Carnegie: ...food handling routines suspect, evidence of smoking in food preparation area, dirty and grubby food handling overalls, lack of wash hand basin which you gave us a verbal assurance you'll have installed at our last visit six months ago and two dead pigeons in the water tank. Basil: Otherwise O.K.?
Basil: I think I'll have a lie down. No I won't, I'll go and hit some guests.
O'Reilly: The problem with you, Mr. Fawlty, is that you worry too much. You keep it up like this, you'll have a stroke before fifty. Stone dead you'll be. Basil Fawlty: Suits me. O'Reilly: Oh! That's a dreadful thing to say. Basil Fawlty: Not at all. Get a bit of peace. O'Reilly: Don't be so morbid. The Good Lord made the world so that we could all enjoy ourselves. Basil Fawlty: Look, my wife enjoys herself. I worry. O'Reilly: Well, let me tell you, if the Lord had meant us to worry, he would have given us things to worry about. Basil Fawlty: HE HAS! MY WIFE!! She will be back here in four hours and she can kill a man at ten paces with one blow of her tongue! How am I supposed not to worry? O'Reilly: Just remember, Mr. Fawlty, there's always somebody worse off than yourself. Basil Fawlty: Is there? Well I'd like to meet him. I could do with a laugh. O'Reilly: You'll have to worry for the both of us. I tell you, if the Good Lord--- Basil Fawlty: ---is mentioned ONCE more, I shall move you closer to him!
Mrs. Richards: I've booked a room with a bath and a sea view. Manuel: Qué? Mrs. Richards: K? Manuel: Sí. Mrs. Richards: C? Manuel: No. Qué, "what." Mrs. Richards: K. Watt? Manuel: Sí: qué, "what." Mrs. Richards: C. K. Watt? Is he the manager? Manuel: Ah! Manajer! Mr. Fawlty. Mrs. Richards: This man is telling me the manager is a C. K. Watt, aged forty. Manuel: No, Fawlty. Mrs. Richards: Faulty? Why? What's wrong with him?
Basil: Where are the pens? Sybil: They're in that box. It says "pens" quite clearly. Basil: Looks more like "Ben's" Sybil: Well, then when Ben comes, you can give it to him.
Basil Fawlty: I'll ruin you! You'll never waitress in Torquay again!
Basil Fawlty: This is Basil's wife. This is Basil. This is a smack in the head.
Mr Hamilton: What I'm suggesting is that this place is the crummiest, shoddiest, worst-run hotel in the whole of Western Europe! Major Gowen: No! No! I won't have that! There's a place in Eastbourne!
Basil Fawlty: Manuel will show you to your rooms - if you're lucky.
Basil Fawlty: It's all right, he's only choking!
Fry: That's the saltiest thing I ever tasted, and I once ate a big heaping bowl of salt!
Zapp Brannigan: You look like a woman who appreciates the finer things in life. Come over here and feel my velour bedspread.
[Zapp Brannigan offers Leela some champagne.] Zapp: Cham-paggin? Leela: I didn't realize you were such a "coin-asseur." Zapp: Well, I have studied abroad... or two!
Professor Farnsworth: Ah, to be young again... and a robot.
Leela: We're going to deliver this crate like professionals. Fry: Aww, can't we just dump it in the sewer and say we delivered it? Bender: Too much work! I say we burn it, then *say* we dumped it in the sewer!
Zapp Brannigan: Kif, I have made it with a woman! Inform the crew!
Leela: I know you like cooking shows, but you're a robot. You don't even have a sense of taste! Bender: Honey, I wouldn't talk about taste if I was wearing a lime green tank top.
Fry: It's just like the story of the grasshopper and the octopus. All year long, the grasshopper kept burying acorns for the winter, while the octopus mooched off his girlfriend and watched TV. But then the winter came, and the grasshopper died, and the octopus ate all his acorns. And also he got a racecar. Is any of this getting through to you?
Bender: Fry, of all the friends I've had... you're the first.
Fry: What if I don't want to be a delivery boy? Leela: Then you'll be fired... Fry: Fine! Leela: ...out of a cannon, into the sun.
[After being kicked out of a theme park.] Bender: Forget your stupid theme park! I'm gonna make my own! With hookers! And blackjack! In fact, forget the theme park!
Mayor of New New York City: Whoa! You can't just find garbage lying in the streets of Manhattan!
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Now that you're our new employees, I'd like you to have a look at our commercial. I paid to have it aired during the Super Bowl. Phillip Fry: Wow! Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Of course, not on the same channel.
Dr. Zoidberg: Now open that mouth and lets have a look at that brain. [Fry opens his mouth] No, not that mouth, the other mouth. Phillip Fry: I only have one mouth. Dr. Zoidberg: Really... Phillip Fry: Uh... could I see a HUMAN doctor? Dr. Zoidberg: Now listen young lady, I know everthing there is about humans.
Bender : I hate people who love me. And they hate me.
Elliott: Jack, give me two words that sell magazines. Jack: Multiple orgasms.
Elliott: Just don't wear any makeup. Maya: Why not? Elliott: My mom will call you a whore.
Dennis Finch: Oh, I just remembered. You're boring. And my legs work.
Jack "The Kid" Gallo: The Kid is not about "cute"! The Kid is about bullfights and bar fights and old fishermen and young whores!
Nina Van Horn: Guess what I have. Dennis Finch: Why, are they baffled down at the clinic?
Nina Van Horn: I like to think of my body as a temple. Dennis Finch: Which explains why there's a line to get in on Friday nights.
Nina Van Horn: Denial is not just a river in England.
Dennis Finch: Crank it, spank it, smack it on the bing-bong.
Dennis Finch: All women are just two drinks away from a girl-on-girl adventure.
Elliott Di Mauro: Trust me. Revenge is a dish best served with maple syrup.
Dennis Finch: If I get killed, tell Courtney in accounting I love her and erase all the porn on my computer.
Dennis Finch: You couldn't score in a monkey whorehouse with a bag of bananas.
Elliott Di Mauro: No way. Last time I took you on a photo shoot with me, you walked in on Kate Moss taking a shower. Dennis Finch: It was an innocent mistake. I was trying to walk in on Elle McPherson.
[Looking into a microscope.] Alice: This urine is great!
Cabbie: When I was a little boy, my mother used to sing me a song. It went like this: "Life is short, life is shit, and soon it will be over."
Raymond Hurdicure: Sorry we're a few hours late, there, Ma, but you know how the kids... uh... hate old people.
Raymond Hurdicure: So I hear dad's dead. Hey, is that eggnog?
Wally's wife: Were the handcuffs totally necessary, officer? Cop: Well, actually, that was your husband's idea.
Gay Man: Doctor, why do those, you know, types think that I'm one of them? Doctor: Because you ARE one of them! You are gay! You are a homosexual! I know it, your family knows it, DOGS know it! The only one who doesn't know it is you!
[looking at drug] Mrs. Hurdicure: What will this do? Dr. Cooper: Well, it reaches into your brain "chemically," and then it locates your happiest memory "chemically," then it locks onto that emotion and freezes it "chemically," and then it keeps you happy, happy. Baxter: Chris? She's depressed, not stupid!
Scientist: I've invented a pill that gives worms to ex-girlfriends. Don: Uh, right, and what's positive about that? Scientist: Well, it's a pill that gives worms to ex-girlfriends. Don: Couldn't it also give worms to ex-boyfriends? Scientist: This is a drug... for the world... to give worms to ex-girlfriends. Don: Well, great. Thanks for stopping by. Scientist: You just don't get it here! Huhoooo!
Wife: Kids, where's your father? Daughter: He's upstairs masturbating to gay porn. Wife: Again?
Hank Hill: Bobby, if you weren't my son, I'd hug you.
Boomhauer: Yeah man, I tell ya what, man. That dang ol' Internet, man. You just go on there and point and click. Talk about W-W-dot-W-com. An' lotsa nekkid chicks on there, man. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. It's real easy, man.
Bobby: Oh! Spoons! Can I assume the potatoes will be mashed tonight?
LuAnne: He's not just dancing. He's firming his thighs and tightening his buttocks.
LuAnne: You know, at the beauty academy they teach us that people aren't black or white or yellow or red, but their hair can be.
Peggy: As long as it took that river to carve the Grand Canyon, that is how long women have been learning to subtly manipulate relationships.
Bill: I'm so depressed I can't even blink.
Dale Gribble: Oh man. What kind of lefty hootenanny is this?
Dale Gribble: You and I may be acquainted but we are not traveling companions. I am merely here to enjoy Earth Day and play some hacky-sack.
Hank Hill: He's a football player, and football players know how to treat a woman right.
Hank Hill: Don't play lawyer-ball, son.
Nancy Gribble: The truth is like sunlight. People used to think it's good for you.
Dave Nelson: Guess how many pieces of gum Beth chewed last year. Lisa Miller: Seven hundred and fifty. Dave Nelson: One.
Dave Nelson: I take the complaint box very seriously and I seem to be the only one who does. Bill McNeal: A complaint about the complaint box, delicious.
[Reading cards from the complaint box.] Dave Nelson: "You suck." "You suck." "Howard Stern rules." "If you can read this you are a dork." "Coupon for one free kiss from Joe if you are a girl." "We need more complaint cards." "Coupon for one free kiss from Joe if you are a guy." Joe Garelli: Hey! [pulling out a fortune cookie slip] David "Dave" Nelson: "You will go on a journey, happy long time." "Matthew is a moron." "No I'm not." "Yes you are." "No I'm not infinity." "Yes you are infinity plus one." And this one, "I have doobie in my funk," which I assume is some sort of reference to the Parliament Funkadelic song, "Chocolate City." Uh, "You got peanut butter in my chocolate. You got chocolate in my peanut butter. Together they taste like crap." "Matthew has been staring at me all day... and I like it." I don't think I get this one, it says, "I try to be good hard-worker-man, but refrigemater so messy, so so messy." Lisa Miller: I think that one's probably from Milos, the janitor. Dave Nelson: Oh. Refrigem---oh, then that one's legitimate. [continues reading the complaint cards] Uh, "Who's the black private dick who's the sex machine with all the chicks." Bill McNeal, Beth, Lisa Miller, Matthew Brock, Joe Garelli: SHAFT! Bill McNeal: I thought we'd all enjoy that. [reading one last card] Dave Nelson: And, "Help, I'm being held prisoner in a complaint box," which is actually kinda funny.
[Confronting Lisa about her breakup with Dave.] Bill McNeal: You got what you wanted from Dave, right? And then you snapped your legs shut like a well-oiled bear trap!
Jimmy James: You poor misguided Canadian bastard.
[Max is eating a sandwich.] Dave Nelson: Max! That's my lunch! Max Louis: I don't see your name on it. [Dave holds up the lunch bag, and it is clearly labeled "DAVE."] Max Louis: Still, I don't see your name on the actual sandwich.
Bill McNeal: Is this some kind of evil plot to teach me a lesson?
Jimmy James: The Secret of Management number 436: I'm with stupid.
Bill McNeal: Is Matthew superior to me? Dave Nelson: You mean genetically? Bill McNeal: No, in the office. Dave Nelson: No. Bill McNeal: What about genetically? Dave Nelson: Well, he is ambidextrous. Bill McNeal: Freak.
Dave Nelson: You ever play 52-card pick-up? Matthew Brock: No, that sounds like fun! Dave Nelson: Sometimes you make me sad.
Beth: Dave, why don't you just tell her what turns you on and get it over with? Dave Nelson: To tell you the truth, what really turns me on is when Lisa is mad at me. Beth: OK, I didn't really want to know that. Are you guys going back to her place now? [calling impatiently from the other room] Lisa Miller: Dave, are you coming? Dave Nelson: Oh, yeah! -
Lisa Miller: Dave, tell me your deepest, darkest fantasy. Dave Nelson: Oh, no. Lisa Miller: Oh, come on! You can tell me. Dave Nelson: No, it's too embarrassing. Lisa Miller: Come on, please? Dave Nelson: Oh, OK. Ever since I was 14 years old, I've always fantasized about making love on the space shuttle... Lisa Miller: That's very cute. Dave Nelson: ...with a space prostitute.
Lisa Miller: What about that sweet 18-year-old kid in accounting who had that crush on you? Dave Nelson: Oh, that was completely different. Lisa Miller: Why? Dave Nelson: Well, for one thing, he was a guy. And he thought I was gay. And he brought his mother to work and introduced me as his boss-slash-husband. Lisa Miller: Well, it was still flattering, wasn't it? Dave Nelson: Oh, lord yes.
Dave Nelson: Look, it's only a birthday present! It just means I'm glad you didn't die partway through the year.
Lisa Miller: Are you nervous about that speech tonight? Dave Nelson: No, I'm cool. Lisa Miller: You're cool? Dave Nelson: Yeah, I'm fine. I'm cool. I'm just... I'm, you know... chillin'. Lisa Miller: Well, word to your mother.
Beth: Wait a minute... were you one of those guys in high school who spent half his time at the arcade, hunched over the machines with all the other pale, friendless virgins? [Long pause.] Dave Nelson: Don't be silly.
Lisa Miller: I'm not selfish and self-centered, am I? Dave Nelson: I think you should keep in mind that you're asking an ex-boyfriend. Lisa Miller: No, I'm not. I'm asking an employee. Dave Nelson: Well, then no.
Bill McNeal: Sing it PRETTY! Like me! Beth: My mother always told me I had a pretty voice. Bill McNeal: Well my mother dressed me up like a girl until I was nine! They make mistakes!
Dave Nelson: Bill, haven't you ever heard the expression, "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade?" Bill McNeal: Dave, haven't you ever heard the expression, "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade, and then throw it in the face of the person who gave you the lemons until they give you the oranges you originally asked for?"
Jimmy James: Dave, don't mess with a man with a Wayback Machine. I can make it so you were never born.
Beth: Dave, why don't you just give me the big bonus? I'll get you a cup of coffee...? Dave Nelson: Alright. You've got a deal. Beth: Dave, you called my bluff.
Bill McNeal: How come no one thinks I'm funny? Lisa Miller: How come no one thinks I'm female? Bill McNeal: We're just misunderstood. That's why guys like us have to stick together.
Bill McNeal: Is it cold in here, or are you wearing an anatomically correct bra?
Lisa Miller: If everyone thought you should jump off a bridge, would you? Dave Nelson: If everyone around here thought I should jump off a bridge, they'd probably just get together and push me.
[Lisa bursts into Dave's office.] Lisa Miller: Dave, have you ever taken nude photos of yourself? [Long pause.] [into speakerphone] Dave Nelson: Mom, I'm gonna have to call you back.
[Reading from his book, "Jimmy James: Macho Business Donkey Wrestler," translated to Japanese and back again] Jimmy James: I had a small house of brokerage on Wall Street. Many days no business comes to my hut. Jimmy has fear? A thousand times no! I never doubted myself for a minute, for I knew that my monkey-strong bowels were girded with strength like the loins of a dragon ribboned with fat and the opulence of buffalo... [pauses while turning page] dung.
Bill McNeal: Experience has taught me that behind every toothy grin hides an extra row of teeth.
[Mr. James sees Matthew's new mustache.] Jimmy James: What's the story with your face, son? Matthew Brock: Oh, well, I grew this out during vacation, well, you know, to make myself look sexier. Jimmy James: Yeah, well every man has the right to sex himself up however he seems fit, but you, you look like you belong in an amatuer porn convention. Matthew Brock: Thank you. Jimmy James: No, Matthew. ...I tell you what, let me show you something. [Mr. James pulls a picture from his pocket] Jimmy James: Are you ready? Matthew Brock: Yeah. Jimmy James: No, I don't think you're ready. Matthew Brock: Yeah, I am. Jimmy James: Okay. [Shows the picture to Matthew] Matthew Brock: Oh God! Jimmy James: Yep, that is me with a mustache. I carry this with me whenever I can, so if I ever get the urge to make myself over, I just look at this, and damn near throw up.
Bill McNeal: It's like my father used to say: "When I was a child I thought as a child and spoke as a child, but when I became a man I took that child out back and had him shot.
Deputy Travis Junior: I actually wanted to be in the FBI for about 20 minutes after I saw that movie with Jodie Foster and that guy who eats people in his basement, but I was really stoned at the time. And to be honest with you, for about 20 minutes, I also thought about making a dress out of people's skin.
Deputy Travis Junior: Getting two tickets to an execution is like getting two tickets to NASCAR, except you *know* Jeff Gordon's gonna die.
[the cops are in a doctor's office in their underwear]
Doctor: Uh, none of the tests required you to disrobe. I'm not sure why you're all sitting here in your underwear.
Deputy S. Jones: Dangle was in his underwear when we all got here.
Deputy Travis Junior: Yeah, what's the deal, Dangle?
Lt. Jim Dangle: I don't feel the need to explain myself.
Lt. Jim Dangle: We have two passes to be witnesses at an execution. I know we all want these, so we're gonna do this the way we generally handle these things and we're gonna have a scavenger hunt.
[Jones reads a note in the bag of tacos he and Garcia ordered from a fast food taco joint]
Deputy S. Jones: Officers, there are two armed men inside.
Deputy James Garcia: I hope there are two-armed men in there. One-armed men wouldn't be able to serve tacos.
[talking to a junior high class]
Deputy Trudy Wiegel: Now, I don't care whether you wear mini-skirts or Dungarees, but I can assure you that every one of you is eventually going to be raped.
Lt. Jim Dangle: I can't imagine any woman having sex with Garcia. I think it would be really angry, the sex.
Deputy S. Jones: You think so?
Lt. Jim Dangle: Have you ever heard him in the john? It's like Normandy.
[After dropping off Jackie, a ditzy hooker, in somebody's front yard, telling her it was a halfway house]
Deputy James Garcia: That's no halfway house. It's halfway between the restaurant I took her to and where I live. That human piece of garbage would make Satan weep. God vomited and there was Jackie.
[repeated line]
Deputy Williams: White people are crazy.
Deputy Trudy Wiegel: If I'm addicted to anything, it's sparklers.
[Officer Garcia has been shot]
Deputy James Garcia: Oh, God, call for help.
Deputy Trudy Wiegel: Help. Help.
Deputy James Garcia: Use your goddamn radio.
[Garcia locked himself in a morgue freezer on a bet]
FBI Agent: Hey, get out of that freezer, sir. That's for dead people, not living idiots.
Lt. Jim Dangle: Okay, the FBI agents want one of us to introduce them at the press conference. Who remembers their names?
Deputy James Garcia: Ooh, ooh. Deputy James Garcia.
Lt. Jim Dangle: Let me explain: Wiegel's fucking crazy.
Deputy Trudy Wiegel: What if I said, "Which nigger took the last donut?"
Lieutenant Jim Dangle: That is wildly inappropriate.
[Talking to a Klan member]
Deputy Jones: Ok, let me tell you... D.T.A.M.S: Don't take another motherfucking step.
Trudy: I heard a rumor... Mexican werewolves are coming up from the border and selling crack!
Trudy: There's was this guy at the store with this flamethrower, and he like grabbed this lady's baby and he's like, "Oh, I'm gonna kill this baby!" It was so sad, I was like crying...
Kitty: Have you ever baked a pie before? Jackie: No. I was hoping to just get by on my looks.
[After a pot-smoking binge.] Kelso: The truth is out there, man, it's out there. Fez: No more for you.
[On Kitty's mother-in-law.] Midge: What's that pet name she has for you? Kitty: Whore.
Red Forman: Without rules, we all might as well be up in a tree flinging our crap at each other.
Eric (sarcastically): You're right, Jackie, the Fonz could beat up Bruce Lee.
Red Forman: What are you going to put put on your resume: dumbass?
Steve Hyde: Okay. Alright. Do you remember that time when I was climbing your fence, and I hit my forehead on that tree branch, and I fell into your yard, and your dog Yogi came out of the house and bit me twice on the ass? [laughing] Michael Kelso: Yeah, you bled and you cried. [laughing] Steve Hyde: I bled. I didn't cry. Michael Kelso: Yeah, you did. You bled AND you cried. Steve Hyde: And you laughed, man! A lot! While I was bleeding! ... You see my point? Michael Kelso: Yeah: it's funny when friends get hurt. Steve Hyde: Close enough.